How to get laid at burning man

Believe it or not JNL has been to the playa many times, and now that I’m maturing into the autumn of my life, I’d like to pass on a little wisdom to a few of you young wippersnappers planning on heading out to the desert next year. Please understand me, I’m not in any way trying to convince you to come to burning man. If anything, I’d rather convince you NOT to go. We’ve got enough damn people! Tickets sold out last year and now scalpers are primed to profit off the event. People are peeing on the playa, and dumping trash in the Porta-Potties and making it downright hard for me to live. But if you’re set on going, and made your decision, you might as well read this.

DISCLAIMER: this piece has been written by a straight man, and since that’s the only angle this particular author is familiar with, the writing will thus be biased towards that particular orientation.

PREFACE : It is highly likely that you will not get laid at burning man. Many people, including my ex-girlfriends, often assume that BM is some sort of drug infused orgy. This is could not be further from the truth. Yes, there are orgies at BM, but they are usually made up of people that you would never want to see naked. The majority of the exhibitionists, nudists, orgasm experts, sex coaches, etc are NOT HOTTIES. They are regular people that you might see at a Wal-Mart. Thus you are likely not going to want to travel 24 hours into the desert just to have sex with them. Please keep this in mind.

(Now that I’ve lowered your expectations, I’m going to give a few tips to increase your chances, as long as you understand that the probability of it happening is very low.)

ONE: GET AN RV. RV’s are expensive and a pain in the ass to haul out there, but they are almost essential if you plan on doing anything else aside from masturbating. Come to think of it, not having an RV might even restict your ability to even masturbate. Think about that for a second.

Personally I have years of experience tenting on the playa, and in no way am I trying to disrespect those who choose to sleep in a tent. That said, I refer to those years in a tent as “The Lean Years”. You can imagine the difficulty one might encounter, trying to encourage a companion into a hot dusty lair of your dirty belongings strewn all over a beat-up partially inflated airmattress. While anything is possible with a willing participant, I think you get where I’m coming from.

Given that you have an RV, its best not to have more that three people in the RV, especially when it comes to dudes. Men, especially when intoxicated, can completely trash an RV withing the first 24 hours of your week in the desert, and make your lovenest altogether inhospitable for any new visitor or potential slumber party. Secondly, when you come home at sunrise, having three dudes passed out and sleeping is going to make life pretty difficult for you, even if you’re the man.

If you’re going to get an RV, the easiest option is to rent, either from EL MONTE or from CRUISE AMERICA. I prefer EL MONTE because I find them friendlier, and more burner-oriented. You need to book your RV well in adnvance, and bear in mind the closer you rent to the playa, the more you are going to pay. So renting out of Reno is ridiculously expensive, Bay Area is not as bad, LA is even cheaper.

TWO: CLEAN UP YOUR ACT. I can’t emphasize the importance of cleanliness on the playa. Isn’t this fundamental anyway? While you might think its OK to skip showering because you are in the middle of a bender, its not. There are many people who elect not to shower and use baby wipes or some other orgnanic blend of perfumes, but I dont recommend this. It’s essential to shower at least once a day, no matter what your level of intoxication. The dustier everyone else is, the better off you’ll be as the clean dude who doesn’t smell. Keep in mind you don’t need an RV to take a shower. Any halfway decent camp will have an outdoor shower setup, and as long as you bring your own water, they will be fine with letting you use it.

THREE: ALWAYS HAVE WATER. You wanna be the really cool guy in deep playa? This can be you, but you’ve got to start every night with at least three liters of water. Wanna be REALLY FUCKING COOL? Try having three liters of ICE COLD water. I really shouldnt be sharing this secret, its too good, but yeah, you should always have ice water on hand at your camp for rapid fill-up at night. Also don’t be afraid to leave the party at four AM, bike back to your camp, avoid getting derailed, refill your camelback, and come right back to the party. No one will even know you were gone. Your excellent level of hydration will make you quick-witted, and more powerful that your competitors. You will hydrate the crowd like a garden of flowers, and keep the fun going on until the wee hours.

FOUR: DON’T DRESS UP LIKE A WOMAN. You may feel some degree of temptation to put on a skirt, lipstick, or perhaps a thong and take a walk on the wild side for the week as a gender defying human being. Another scenario is you arrive on the playa without any “cool clothes” and your girlfriends dress you up like a girl, put make-up on you, and then tell you how hot you look, and how all the girls are gonna be all over you. (this may have happened to the author one year)  Do yourself a favor and resist this temptation. If you are indeed a straight male, then you should look like one. Avoid the common pitfall of confusing or freaking out your target audience.

FIVE: DON’T GET OBLITERATED. This might sound obvious, but I’d say its the single element that trips up the majority of guys on the playa. BM is a 24 hour event, and you need to pace yourself. Staying hydrated, getting some rest here and there, and choosing your battles is key. Everything in moderation. Yeah, you’re excited, and you’re invincible, we know that, but stumbling around and making an ass of yourself and falling off an art car is just stupid and makes the event less fun for everyone. Your goal should be to maintain yourself for the entire week, never really blasting into outer space, and thus never crashing down. Theres so much going on, you really don’t want to miss a beat, and keeping your game tight is the best way to maximize your experience.

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